Heartbroke

While Molly was pregnant with Justice, my first grandson, she wasn't having much to do with us. It just broke my heart. No matter how much she tried, or didnt try to explain why she was cutting herself off, it made absolutely no sense to me. If it was suppose to be some sort of punishment, it wasn't. It was heartbreak. Yes, I missed Toogie(Kylie), my first grandbaby, but I was more saddened by Molly and what was going on in her mind and heart.

When Toog was born, I was there in the midst of one of the worst snow storms we had had in years. Molly wanted me there. It was wonderful experiencing labor and delivery with my only daughter and holding my new grandbaby only seconds after she was born, and spending many days with her aferwards. But it was not so with the birth of Justice three years later. Somehow we had become the enemy. I still have no idea how or why this all happened. She needed her space, didn't want to be around us, etc. etc. We obliged her wishes and kept the miles and distance apart. She made it clear she didn't want us there for the birth of Justice. For a mother to hear those words from her own daughter, was like asking me to not be present for the birth of my own child. I never knew such a request from my daughter could exist, yet it did. So I didn't find out when Justice was born until 2 days after his birth. I will never forget it. I was sitting at the computer answering an email to a friend of mine in California when I got a phone call from my son Adam. Adam said, "Mom, I just found out from a friend on facebook that had commented about Molly having her baby." I asked, "when?" He said, "October 31st." I was stunned. I could hardly speak, but I mustered up the response, "wow." He replied,"I'm sorry mom, I don't know why she would do this to you." I hung up the phone and immediately needed air. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Out of nowhere the tears began to flow. As I past through the house, my husband stopped me to ask me why I was crying. I merely said, "Molly gave birth to Justice 2 days ago. Adam just found out through a friend and called to tell me." He stood motionless and then shook his head. He didn't have to say a word, I knew what he was thinking, merely saddness for Molly. I continued walking straight through the dining room, through the living room and out the front door. By the time I reached the end of the sidewalk and my feet hit the grass, I was completely oblivious to the crisp fall air, beautiful fall colors, and quietness of the morning. All I could hear was the sound of my cries growing louder and louder as I walked down the gravel road. All I could see was my own tears welling up in my eyes. I moaned. I sobbed. My heart was hurting so much I didn't think I could endure it. As I rounded the curve of our long drive, my neighbors buckskin and paint horses came trotting up to greet me as they did each morning I walked. Only this time I didn't stop to give them an apple from my tree or pat their soft noses. They followed me down the fenceline, almost to the end of the road, before giving up on any chance of my attention. Pain and heartache have a way of shutting out anything and anyone around, as you turn inward to try to cope. But turning inward never solves anything. When I got to the end of the drive and onto the road, I started to pray. I cried out to God, "Lord, help me. I feel I am dying I am hurting so much. I need to feel your presence right now." I bent over the ditch in front of me and coughed and cried until I threw up. I stood up and took a deep breath and wiped my eyes, and right in front of me, on the branch of a locust tree was a red cardinal. I couldn't help but manage a small smile in the face of my pain. I simply loved cardinals, loved birds, in fact, just loved nature, period. In that moment, I sensed a little peace come over me. I whispered, "Thank you God, that you never turn your back on me, and you ALWAYS give me something to smile about." I continued my walk and I opened my mouth and started to sing a new song to the Lord. Even with puffy, swollen eyes and a badly beat up heart, the spirit inside of this newly made grandma for the second time, wanted to reach out to the one who never rejects me... my Lord. If I couldn't hold my precious new grandson, or place a kiss on the forehead of my beautiful daughter, I could still be in the presence of the one who never breaks my heart. And so I sang,"Lord I hunger for your righteousness, Lord I'm thirsty for your holiness, Lord I'm longing for your loveliness, it's in your presence Lord, I am at rest...."