One the the hurting ladies in Africa
I had a wonderful opportunity to share this part of my testimony to a very large group of single women, both young and old, while I was in Africa 2 years ago. I had no idea the impact it would have nor the results it would unleash for healing and restoration. God is so good. I'm so glad He never gives up on us and wants to see us healed, whole and healthily serving Him as we surrender daily to Him.
Due to being abused and raped repeatedly during the years I was 8-10 years old, had left shame and fear controlling my life. The very core of me was broken and fearful, and untrusting. I thought I had let go of all of these things, after all, I had truly forgiven the man many years ago, but these things had built up over many years and as a result, came out as years and years of anxiety and anxiety attacks, many times completely uncontrollable. I was a prisoner in my own body, in my soul. It took a toll on me physically, emotionally and spiritually. My home became my haven, but also my prison. I desired to go no place else, I couldn’t go any place else. Fear would grip me. At the time I had no idea it was fear or shame that had me so bound. What was I to be afraid of? Nothing.Yet it continued. Asking for help was and is the hardest thing for me, because of being hurt by people, people close to me and people I love, and having them see things not as they really are and then having my words twisted and thrown back in my face, which were never my words in the first place.
I dated so many guys, went thru so many relationships where they fell in love with me, but I couldn’t love back. So many of them wanted to marry me. In my turmoil, I ended up losing someone who loved me so very deeply because of my trust issues. I wasn’t sure he could accept my hurts, fears, and shame I was bearing. I loved him so much but was afraid to trust him enough to let me in to help me walk through my pain and shame.
The first step to healing and being set free was collapsing. I mean really collapsing. I felt I was at the end of myself many times, but I still endured more. I was up against a wall, scared, sad, so very sick, suffering and desperate. Admitting that I knew I hadn’t given all my hurt, fear and shame to God completely was hard to swallow because I loved Him so very much. I knew He redeems, sets free, restores, and blesses, but I just wasn’t sure He would want to do those things for me. But a few years ago, God told someone to tell me, that I was being set free and would be used mightily by God. They gave me a Word of great encouragement that started me on the road to restoration and healing. I had known God loved me, because He sent His son to die for me, but I just didn’t think He liked me that much. I knew He SAVED me, but I wasn’t sure He SAW me. I have loved God with my whole heart and entrusted that heart to Him since the age of nine and then merely one week after my salvation, surrendered my life to missions, by walking down that very long isle in my home church, not realizing how these things would put me on a path destined to follow Him all the days of my life.
Our walk with Him is always new, always fresh, always changing and always surrendering. Every moment of every day, when my will gets in the way, when that shame or fear tries to raise it’s ugly head, I am STILL learning to say, “It’s yours Lord….I trust you completely.” I think of my grandbaby, Chip, whom I have practically raised while my daughter has been in the hospital for over a year now, and how he is completely comfortable in my arms, knows I will care for him and doesn’t even question it, and that I will keep him warm and fed and loved unconditionally. He greets me, always, with a huge smile, and comes crawling as fast as he can, and lifts his little arms for me to hold him and then while looking me straight in the eye, smashes his glowing face as tightly against mine as he can, with both his chubby little hands on each of my cheeks, pulling me to him, and with his little mouth wide open, gives me the most wonderfully, intense, open mouthed wet kisses in the whole world. My God expects no less from me, in fact, He relishes in it so much so, that it delights Him and He rejoices over me with singing. What a thought!
